


i crack and out i pour

by sllux



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Feelings Realization, Gen, M/M, Platonic Blue/Gansey, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27145376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sllux/pseuds/sllux
Summary: the comphet love of gansey's life drops a few hard truths, and gansey is helpless against her words
Relationships: Richard Gansey III & Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III/Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III/Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	i crack and out i pour

"does it ever hurt you," blue said, in a light tone that gansey knew was not at all meant for light words, "to look and see what you lost?" blue picked at her nails, trying all at once to seem both interested and disinterested, shooting gansey sidelong looks. adam and ronan stood together at the counter, oblivious.

"excuse me?" his voice was faint, came with difficulty through a mouth that felt suddenly too big and too small to hold any words. what he lost? what had he lost? a sinking feeling told him blue would tell him, and that knowledge would change him.

"gansey," said blue, in a whispering tone that offered for no nonsense, no arguments, no hiding from himself. "i know you. don't play dumb like that." but then something somber and contemplative came over her face, and because he knew her better than anyone, he knew that she had realized that he was himself, after everything, and himself was not someone gansey knew well.

blue sat back, hard, and after a moment reached out to take gansey's hand. their fingers slid together easily, interlocking like they always did, like their hands were made to hold, and gansey held to her hand like a lifeline as he felt the looming change of whatever gansey secret she was about to drop on him next.

"you've loved them both for such a very long time," blue said carefully; gansey nodded, seeing no reason to argue the point. of course he loved ronan and adam, same as he loved blue, same as he loved noah. blue blew a frustrated breath out of her mouth that went past her nose to ruffle her hair. "haven't you ever wondered... thought... well, you thought you were in love with me for a while, dick."

"yes i did, jane," he replied wryly, and the truth was more complicated, that he was still in love with her, but not in the way he was expected to be, but they all knew it and no one asked him to explain.

"haven't you ever felt like that about other people?" her eyes pierced him, expecting an argument, but he was already nodding.

"of course i have. ronan and adam and noah, i'm in love with them just the same."

"but if you mistook it with me," blue pressed, seemingly frustrated, "couldn't you have done the same with someone else, in the other direction?"

that was what finally gave him pause, made gansey realize what blue was truly asking, made his mouth dry and his throat close as he glanced toward ronan and adam. adam murmured something to him, reached out and plucked some lint from his shoulder. ronan was looking at him in the same way he'd looked at gansey the summer before niall lynch's death, adam was looking at ronan the way he had sometimes looked at gansey in the quiet of the pig together, and all at once gansey felt as though he'd had the breath punched out of him.

oh.

oh.

he'd been too young, too stupid, too obsessed, to focus on much outside of glendower, outside of keeping adam alive, outside of keeping ronan present, outside of keeping noah around. he hadn't been jealous of adam, no. he'd been jealous of blue. and now he was jealous of adam, but he was jealous of ronan, and he thought, quite possibly, that of the million ganseys he'd been one of them should have known.

but at their core, all of those ganseys were still this gansey, this richard campbell gansey III, who had never once wondered if he was gay or if he was in love with his best friends in ways his mother would faint over, but now that blue had said it he knew. of course he knew. it was like the ley line: always there, always leaking, intrinsically linked to him and just waiting to be found.

gansey sat back, hard, much as blue had done. he stared at adam and ronan for a few more seconds before dropping his gaze to the floor and his head to her shoulder.

"yes, blue," he said, and he could feel her confusion. she'd watched him sort it all through in his head, seemed to have forgotten there was even a question. "it hurts. i think that right now, i'm aching in a way i never have." her lips pressed to his temple, the fear of kisses between them long gone.

"you should say something."

"excuse me?" it was the same tone he'd used the first time he asked, but this time it was filled with somehow more incredulity. "you're asking me to tear apart their happiness."

"no." blue shook her head resolutely, knuckles white where she gripped gansey's hand. "i'm asking you to let yourself be happy, too. stop sacrificing yourself for everyone else."

gansey's laugh was flatter than he wanted when it came out, hand gripping hers just as tightly. he pressed his face into her shoulder, sagging. "jane, jane. you know i can't do that."

blue sighed, a careful, fragile thing, and brought her other hand up to tousle his hair. "was worth a try, dick."

**Author's Note:**

> i have a lot of feelings about gansey and blue's deep ass connection and how the love they share is on that deep platonic level that only the el gee bee tees will understand when they find inner peace & solidarity with other members of the community etc etc 
> 
> hmu on twitter if you also would like to yell about lesbian blue or about how richard "dick" gansey immediately deciding that blue's name should be "jane" proves he was in love with both adam and ronan, too @fukurodaniz


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